Hauling ASS...Literally

It's nearly 5:30 pm here and it might seem that have done little all day, but that's not true. I have to stop judging myself based on the amount I am able to accomplish. Keep in mind that everyday I probably lose a little more of the strength I once had to move. Today I am lucky I was able to bath and still not completely wipe out getting out of the tub. My arms are pretty much all that I have to keep me from crashing. I still use my legs to stand but they aren't very cooperative. I have to look down at my feet to make sure they are still there. I feel my ankle pop in and out and that pisses me off. I also realized that my tomato plant was nothing more than sucker stems and I took her outside, released her from the pot and clipped the sucker stems to put them in a glass with some sugar water. I fed the poopers as I do everyday and (this is really where most of my time is spent) Trying to keep nutrients in, toxins out. The craziness... What craziness? It's all about survival for me. The last time I was extremely happy was the summer of 2008. Laying in the sun on the patio of Frank's backyard. Taking pictures of wild animals that passed through. I could still sorta walk then. Not anymore. The blow dryer died. Big deal. Now that it will get warmer I won't need it. I think about taking the damn thing apart and seeing if I could use any of the parts, but I have to reserve my energies for the things that I know I can complete now. No more playful hacking. That's somewhat depressing. No more singing, painting, dancing, decorating, beach combing...Nah, non of that. Thankfully, I have a comfortable bed mattress, a computer with endless amounts of media and am able to order and receive my supplies each month. When I had gone so far and not notified people of my realistic situation it was because I wouldn't allow the typical or traditional medical society to fuck with me anymore. I won't let anyone fuck with me anymore, it has always ended badly and made me worse or deeper in debt. I would always meet up with people who claimed they could heal me and they were always wrong, people who thought if I just had a better attitude, they were a joke, people who came into help me more or less came in to help them fucking selves. Fuck it. I have to be in control so that I can make it through another day and not get angry at the stupidity that's out there. Did I tell you what happened in New York? I don't think I did. New York was fucked up and I am not sure I can describe those happenings with any flare. I've even lost some of my wit where written composition is concerned. Let me see. I finally arrived in New York and got booted out within a day. I knew within a few hours that I would be leaving right away. A party that had invited me decided they didn't want to hear what I had to say. I am so used to that. Too many stairs to climb that someone neglected to tell me about. All wine and no green. Fucked up. Hey, but my OWS gang was cookin'. Made me proud. So I hightailed it back to Chicago where my son was and camped the rest of the time there. Chicago was even more fucked up, but I had to wait for proper passage rights. There were so many people freaking with the system, the dealers living out of hotels, the dying Christian right thinking incorrectly about government organizations and how they help you. But female police officer did me a favor and walked my dog when I was in a pinch, so I gotta respect that. I knew I couldn't stay there. The limbs were wilting, the money draining. Preparations I make keep this ship sailing. I do not hold on to hope when I know better, that's what always saves me. I am responsible for me.