The Last Road Run (Thanksgiving Day)

I don't know if I can go on to express myself about this day, because I don't remember much about it. I may have blocked out the loneliness and betrayal I must have felt (the way I often do), having arrived only the night before to be so happy to see my child all grown up and living on his own, in his own apartment. I am so feverishly proud of him. But, I seem to still be guilt ridden over my estranged lifestyle choices that he seems to be able to punish me for, or stand less by my side for whatever reason pops up. He asked me that night, after toting all my bags in and taking my dog for a walk for me, "I was planning to go into Dad's tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner, and they have invited you." I was a little shocked, "What?" I looked at him. "But...You knew I was coming to be here on this day. How could you make plans to be somewhere else?" He didn't grasp my feelings at all. He was flippant. "I thought you would want to go where I am going." "No." I made away, sat on the couch, looking further up at him. "No. I thought you would want to stay here with me or we could go out to dinner together. I guess we should have discussed this. I never thought you would make plans to be with your Father when you knew I was coming." I was starting to get angry. "He gets you or gets to see you all the time, you live in the same state. He's had access to you everyday since you were eight. Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?" "He just called the other night and asked." "So, he found out that I was coming and had to make his claim and get first dibs on you? Of course." "No. It's not like that." "Yes it is my Dear. A lot you know about it." He had managed to destroy me again. I buried my face in my hands and cried. "I can't believe this..." My son was silent. I straightened up. Filed away the tears. "No. You go if you must and I know you must because you have to honor your Father because he demands it and manipulates you in ways you have no ideas about. I am not going. I will stay here with my dog and wait. What else can I do?" "We can go together." He replied sweetly. "No." I concluded. "I will not go to have dinner at your Father's house." "I have to go. All my cousins and Aunt Sharon will be there." "Of course. There is no way I am going to sit with a bunch of people who willfully meant to humiliate me and take you away from me." "What are you talking about?" "Of course, you don't know, you were there but you were a child, only interested in toys and they had all of them, didn't they? Big plastic and little plastic toys which you now have stored in several hundred plastic crates in a garage, but no honor for your Mother. No! You go to see cousins that you have seen every year at every holiday and be there with them instead of me who has to leave the very next day. That's how it has been, that's how it shall forever be." He had a couple of tears rolling down, but it would not change the course I knew. And, I for one cannot stand to see him cry, so I lightened up, even though the massive volcano inside me was ready to erupt. "I am going to take a shower if you don't mind." "Sure." He smiled and nodded, willing to forget. **************** That is one of the main reasons I refuse this "so-called" holiday, aside from the fact that it is a replacement traditional gig to maybe help us forget about the millions of indigenous Native Indians that were slaughtered to make way for the American dream of Wall Street's trading practices and endless rows of plastic. They make plastic soldiers with guns and in bright colored uniforms, plastic masks for Halloween, plastic Christmas trees and plastic bulbs that do not break. They even make plastic hearts that do not break for Valentine's Day. Wow. So wonderful.

The Last Road Run (Day Fuzzy)

Sorry, kids, although I kept all the receipts in a folder and took pictures of various sites, I never really got the chance to take them all out and arrange them, because my planned trip to NY with a stop over in Chicago to see my son before on or before Thanksgiving was really turning out to be quite the nightmare. Before I go on to explain the frightening bits about Chicago I want to tell you how heart broken I was that my son, whom I hadn't seen for nearly 3 years would leave me on Thanksgiving Day to spend the time with his father. His father, who had gotten residential custody of him when he was 8 years old. His father, who had made me move from my birth place in California to Chicago, Illinois and then made mincesmeat out of me during our divorce, used his son's own urine to pass a drug test to get a job and everyday wanted to belittle me for trying to raise my son with a different set of values then his. His father, who would cling to his sister for support and blame me for his inabilities while forcing me to do it his way or else. His father, who had accosted me in the parking lot of our mediator to try and force me to believe that I could keep my son if I sold the car or sign it over to him. Things I felt then and still feel now, being most disgraceful, to bargain away your son for fear that you will be left with a bad credit rating over the payments of a car not being made on time or at all. Hideous!!! Not that his bargaining would even be truly honored in the end. Most likely, he was just baiting me to see what I would do, if I would fall for it. And, even upon entering Dr. Dimitri's office afterward, in such a state of hysterics, you would think that the Dr. would have some sympathies toward what I was going through, but NO, the Dr. went on to make me feel even worse of a person for trying to stand my ground under extreme pressures and intimidation tactics. Fucking Illinois. But, my son doesn't know these things, he only remembers how his father used to bring him a plastic Ninja Turtle every week as some sort of consolation prize for having poor parents, who couldn't win no matter what. It wasn't because neither of us was able to make enough money, it was because the United States of America was lying to it's own citizens through the news and by shoving cheap tv shows and food in front of our faces and expecting us to be happier about it, while people in Congress and the White House were making deals with Wall Street and foreign countries since the beginning and no one would ever be the wiser. I entered Illinois again for the first time since 1989, only on the south end of the state. After going through Springfield, I was too terribly excited to stop for the night, and I wished to make up for the lost day that I had forgotten I had on my agenda. I wanted to make it into Chicago by night fall and see the kid. How awfully painful it was though for my back. I was really risking it. REALLY risking it. Even with my glasses on, I fail to see properly in the dark and the long stretches of highway were soon to become short, crowded sections of tollways. I had forgotten about this part to my dismay. The first toll I would encounter was the worst. First it is completely dark now and I have to follow the ruby lights filing into a single lane and go from 30 miles an hour to 55 miles an hour, which is actually pulling me into an 80 mile an hour herd of cars for a couple of miles to all of a sudden stop and throw some change in a bin. I realized I had forgotten the change for the bin and as I was forced to stop at the unmanned toll booth that suddenly flashed brightly into my eyes, probably taking my picture. I wish I had a copy of that picture to share with you, it has to be the least flattering picture ever taken of me. My glasses on crooked, my hair tied back, my mouth wide open, screaming, and my eyeballs as red as the car lights ahead of me. Not like this one:

The Last Road Run (Day 4 & 5 & 6)

Somewhat of a blur. I do remember forgetting that I had forgotten an entire state that I had to travel through to get into Chicago. How that happened, I've no idea. How does someone forget about an entire travel day when the whole trip was planned so succinctly prior to? I have to say, that maybe it was because I was so anxious to see my one and only son again, that I conveniently chose to forget the state of Missouri as a whole day to travel because I wanted to be in Chicago already. I forgot about it even as I was traveling through it and I even got lost and couldn't find my Motel. It was unbelievable. I was near panic stricken.

Once you get past the Texas panhandle and start traveling east, up through Missouri and Oklahoma, or Oklahoma and Missouri, the country, the people, the places start to appear torn around the edges. What am I saying, the edges?? It's a really hard to find a sublime view anywhere there. I guess this is reality at it's finest.

https://maps.google.com/maps?q=map+of+Missouri&hnear=Missouri&gl=us&t=h&z=6 ********************** As a disabled person, it was not to my pleasure to have a hard time finding a room that catered to my needs without suddenly realizing that all those things would be an extra charge. The large metal doors that were hard to open with a dog strapped to my arm and a walker I had to hold onto. Entrances blocked off by a painter's scaffold. The room was for the dog, not for me it would seem. They say the dog was a welcome party but the room for the dog would have to be way in the back in the unsightly area. There is no place to take your dog for a short walk, it is almost in another neighborhood and when you look out there, in the dark, you think, "Do I risk getting mugged if I go out there?" Whatever. Now I remember, In Oklahoma, which came first, I did not stay at a Motel 6 on one of the nights, because I couldn't find it. I asked the toll booth person if they could recommend a motel that would take my dog and I did find a nice corner room in that motel that was OK. It was clean, had a fridge and a microwave, lots of cozy furniture, a working heater and a bathroom with a tub. The window in the bathroom wasn't fully insulated and probably has seen it's days of burglaries, but also a construction crew showed up early in the morning and could clearly be heard just outside that CLOSED window. But, later, I would think of returning there to maybe stay for an extended period, although I would not. I think I had to stay two nights in Oklahoma, one on both ends of the state, because I had lost my travel plan and things were starting to get rough. I grazed my leg in the dark of the room one night, on an extruded post from the bed frame. This room was not well kept to meet the standards of a national chain. I didn't have time to make a fuss about it. I just took these pictures.

The Last Road Run (Day 3)

The first part of the journey was oh, so so... Drive about 600 miles with one bathroom break in the middle, stop at the planned Motel at about 3 or 4 pm at the latest and get rested for the next day. Getting the dog to do the bathroom break was not as easy as I would have liked it to be. She wouldn't go when she was supposed to and occasionally would fake me out, forcing me to make dangerous stops along the roadway because she smelled a deer or something. This was so uncool. I had to learn fast not to fall for the emergency calls. Mostly though, which is another thing I found strange, because she usually liked car rides so much that she would keep her head out the window, on this trip, she would stay curled up in her spot in the back seat and not seem at all interested in sucking in the air from outside. What a freak of a dog.

Santa Fe Motel 6 was the most beautiful of all the places I stopped. That was the second stop before driving into hell. Into the Texas panhandle and beyond.

The Last Road Run (day 2 pics)

The Last Road Run

This was the day before I left Arizona last year, prepared to travel all the way to New York. I didn't get very far as I remember.

Got the dog and all the packings in the car. Next stop the service station to give the car a quick check up for safety sake. And, stall............................

The wait to have all the fluids checked, the essentials, was literally 2 hours and then another hour in the pit. I needed a new fuel filter, new windshield wipers...egads. Egads? There should be a website set for that. Egads, the webs universal electronic gadget shop. There probably is, but don't tell me about it. While I was sitting in the car, after three hours, I realized, I'm not going to make it to Flagstaff by three p.m. So, I dial up my friend and ask if I can sleep over and say good-bye, again, this engine check is taking way longer then I had expected and she said yes. Cause you see, I had to make sure that I could only be in the car, driving for only up to six hours. That's is what a responsible disabled person should do. Not over extend herself. So yeah, all right, I had one more day in A. But, that was it. The next morning, bright and early, my friend made sure I got my tires rotated and my dog PD and I

were on our way. Yep. The last road run I suspected. I was scared out of my mind, so I had to do it.